


The Stupid, Silly, Rambunctious, Mildly Insulting, and Altogether Dumb Adventures of the Cullens

by Priority_of_Life_Code



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-17
Updated: 2016-01-17
Packaged: 2018-05-14 11:24:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5741887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Priority_of_Life_Code/pseuds/Priority_of_Life_Code
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This was something I had started a long time ago, but I think I can spruce them up, the original ones are on Fanfiction.net, so if you see something similar to them, please don't think I stole them. I am RageBekka. :)</p><p>Of course, All rights and characters are the work of Stephenie Meyer, and I am in no way profiting from this work, except in enjoyment and amusement, and I do not wish to infringe upon anything. All characters and and their familiarity belong to them, and all other references belong to their original creators. Please enjoy my silly take and random thoughts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Edward and The Insects

Edward the Sullen Cullen stepped in relative silence out into the the meadow he had once claimed as his own; no he had not urinated on it, as most territorial beasts (which, he considered himself to be one) would, but instead he had planted his proverbial flag in it...essentially he had taped a piece of paper stating the following;

**_"EDWARD'S PRIVAT DOMAIN: EMMETT KEEP OUT!  
NO GURLS ALLOWED!"_ **

Unfortunately, it had taken him quite some time to realize he'd forgotten the E in private, but he simply played it off like the intentional misspelling of the word girls.

While it was known to his family they he could in fact hear their inner monologuing and Emmett's perpetual inner commentary on Rosalie's 'fine ass', they were not in the know that if he truly concentrated, his mind could reach that of animals and the smallests of insects around him.

The slightest of smiles crossed his face as he ignored the voices of many forest creatures, and focused on those of the tiniest bodies in his stunning meadow.

"Bro, please don't step on me," a soft yet extremely squeaky voice said from below him.

He looked down and saw to his amusement, a small lady bug. "No worries today little friend, I won't be stepping on you!"

The bug didn't do anything but look up at him.

Edward continued to just stare at the bug.

"Oh god, why does it keep staring?" The ladybug fluttered its wings and flew off in it's perpetual annoyance.

"Bye!" Edward smiled brightly before waving manically at the bug.

He gave a quiet hum as he began to strut forward at an oddly human pace, "Today, the world is mine!" He gave a gleeful laugh that would frighten the most evil of children.

That's when he heard it.

The quiet screams of those in pain.

Of those dying.

And it was all his fault.

"Nooooo!"

"My baby!"

"Oh cool, a dead body-AHHH!"

"Ayyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeee!"

"You're a bloody monster!" A strangely Australian voice sounded from behind him, and he cast his eyes back to see a spider scuttling towards the bodies of fallen insects that he'd stepped upon.

"Oh no!"

"My leg!"

He raised his foot with a soft gasp and quietly placed his hand over his mouth.

"My friends! I'm...I'm so... so sorry!" He gave a dry sob, and fell to his knees. His hands picked up a mound of dirt where the ants fled down his hands and arms.

One of the ants stopped on the tip of his finger, turned, and stared at him.

"What the hell man, we was just doin' our business. Find a leaf, bring it back, find another, an' then ya come an' step on us! What's your deal?"

Edward gave another dry sob, "You've no idea how truly sorry I am."

Three other ants perched on the ends of his fingers, and he reached out to pet one, just to pet him ever so gently, but beneath his finger, he accidentally crushed it's body.

"Oh god, you killed Ken-ant! You bastardo!"

And so, Edward would never be the same again.


	2. Edward and The Puppy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Edward gets a new friend! After that incident with the insects, we all know he could use one, right?

Edward the Strange Cullen held in his arms a small golden retriever, that you didn't have to be, say, even a mind reading, emotion feeling, future seeing, vampire, to tell it was frightened nearly to death. It was trying, albeit in vain, to get away. It had tried all the usual puppy methods of escape, wiggling, licking, biting, kicking, whimpering, barking, growling, even going to the extremes of farting and peeing just a little on Edward's nice pink shirt. But still, Edward held on to it as if it were the Taj Mahal of pups.

_"Dammit, let me go, you smell! Are you even human?"_

Edward laughed and began to pet the small puppy, clear fascination and love in his eyes for the tiny golden retriever. His pale skin was shocking against its yellow fur and he leaned down to sniff the puppy's neck in sweet affection.

"Hmm, you smell good," he mumbled to himself, and the puppy nearly urinated again at the thought of Edward eating him. 

_"Oh hell no..."_

"I shall call you...," Edward ignored the puppy's mental cursing and worries before looking around for something to inspire him toward a name before he happened to look in the reflection of a nearby window. 

"Umm, I shall call you Edward...Junior...the second," Edward decided with a grin and air of finality.

The puppy stopped squirming and looked up at him, _"What the...? Arrogant son of a..."_

Edward continued to ignore the puppy's continued foul mental language before rushing home with a blur of vampiric speed, leaving a woman who'd been staring at him from across the street quite shocked at his sudden disappearance.

When he arrived, he was annoyed to find that Alice was standing outside the Cullen home, bouncing with excitement.

Edward was in front of her in a flash, clutching the puppy to his man-breast in protective childlike possessiveness.

Alice quickly thought, _"Look over there!"_ And of course Edward fell for it, looking behind him and Alice quickly claimed the puppy.

The puppy recoiled and barked at the sudden change of hands holding him but seemed to be far happier with Alice holding him than Edward.

"I shall call you, Petunia!" Alice exclaimed happily, her eyes sparkling with joy as she nuzzled the puppy.

 

Edward blinked, "It's name is Edward....Junior, the Second."

Alice scoffed at him and rolled her eyes, "That's a stupid name. Petunia is better."

"No it's not Alice!"

"Yuh huh."

"Nope."

"Yep."

"No."

"Yes."

"No!"

"Yes!"

They locked in an intense staring contest; one that would go down in the history books as the most useless staring contest ever to be had by a Cullen, let alone two!

And so they stood, for days and nights, just staring it out.

On day four, Jasper and Emmett arrived, curious and cautious, both knew not to get in the way when the two were fighting.

Jasper stood off to the side, his bet was on Edward, which of course he would pay for later.

Emmett stood beside him, his money was on Alice, though Edward had snarled at his dissent.

None of them noticed the puppy was gone, as it had somehow managed to wiggle from the grasp of Alice, three days before.

Carlise and Esme, having just returned for a two-week long vacation that was clearly well needed, stared at the two as they slowed their run.

Esme turned and whispered to Jasper, "What's this about?"

Jasper only shrugged, "Dunno, but one of 'ems gotta break soon. Can feel their hunger growin'."

Just then, Edward noticed the puppy was gone, and he cried out, "EDWARD JUNIOR THE SECOND!"

And at the same time, Alice has also realized this, "PETUNIA!"

Alice and Edward were never the same again.


End file.
